October 21, 2015

My Security Blankets

Why does it feel like something tugs inside me ? Why does it feel like a knot rolling over deep down in my gut ? It makes me want to slouch and curl myself up. It makes the world spin around me. All I want to do is to hide and never face anyone. When I close my eyes, it feels like I am trapped someplace unknown. I am unable to free myself. The thick darkness engulfs me like a moonless night. A feeling of fear creeps in and feeds off my misery, just like a helpless deer giving up itself to a herd of hungry lions. There is a weird pain in my heart. I can almost feel it diminishing the last streak of hope from my mind. 

And then just when I think it can't get any worse, the knot rises from my gut and heads straight for my throat. It turns into a lump and stays there forever, making it hard to breathe, think or see clearly. I strain my eyes to look for help but I find none. The world around me seems new. This sudden rush of sentiments makes me dizzy and all welled up.

From the corner of my eyes, a tiny droplet of water escapes it’s realm to begin its rapid descent. They leave behind an easy trail for the others to follow. I look away in a failed attempt to hide my tears but they give away the emotions trapped inside of me.

I walk around feeling helpless and nowhere to go. But ‘all is not lost’, my mind whispers as I build the courage to speak out my feelings. Only then do I realize - what I had been truly missing, was in fact right in front of me. I pick up my phone and dial the number to the only people I know I can trust no matter what comes.

When the long distance call finally reaches the other end, I take a deep breath to utter the words - “Hi Mom, are you up”? I catch a glance of myself in the mirror in an effort to look brave with cried out eyes and dried up insides. I barely wait for her to answer and then I let the gates unleash the truth. She listens patiently and tells me to calm down. She worries what the stress is doing to me so I relax and focus on her words.

She tells me to gain perspective on what is present and exists right now. She advises me not to worry about the past or the consequences of the future. She comforts me like no other and helps me understand why the situation isn't of any gravity. I finally begin to see clearly and desire to have my mom’s affectionate arms wrapped around me. But that seems impossible considering the physical distance between us. So instead I settle for her wise words and feel grateful to have her in my life.

She shares her experiences and asks me to toughen up. Life is going to throw all kinds of challenges at me; it is up to me to decide which one truly matters. She reinstates my hope for life and asks me to focus on my self-improvement. 

When my dad comes on to the phone, I feel like a small girl all over again telling him the little things pricking my heart. His pep talks inspire me to let go of my anxiety and emerge with a feistier attitude. His insights help me gain perspective and allow me to be myself again.

I can’t believe it! Merely speaking to them changed my whole day and made me feel good about myself.

I tell my parents to not to worry about me. That all the pandemonium in my head had been a result of my over-thinking. They wish me a good night’s sleep and hang up. I end the call feeling determined and positive once again, ready to face my life.

When things get a little rough, I always look for directions and heart-felt guidance to channelize the overwhelming feelings gushing inside me. My parents have been the sole anchor at those points and I can’t even begin to imagine what my life would look like if these pillars were to disappear one day.

Tell me, who is the anchor in your life ? 

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