Not-so-perfect

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“I want it to be perfect. It obviously has to be.” 

If any far-fetched soul ever thought about writing my autobiography, then this is what the title of the book would read.

I have literally chased perfection all my life. Well, at least 30 of them. Every time a new life-changing chapter begins or an occasion needs planning that’s just around the corner, I would go off on a trip of my own. I always had this constant urge to be the best. I enthralled at the thought of the meticulous arrangement of doing stuff and even dreamt of how it turned out in my head - ‘perfectly’. Every milestone had to be complete, as per me.

But life chose otherwise. No matter, how hard I tried, I would never be happy with how it turned out. My ‘perfect-in-my -head’ scenario would always finish as ‘not-so-perfect’. 

And then one day, I gave up and sat back. I tried not to make it look so hard. Why did I believe that ‘perfection meant everything’? What was with all this wishful thinking ?

Because you know what ? I loved how life turned out to be. Just the way it was. Beautiful, normal, and not-so-perfect.

I enjoyed the fact that life could be lived to its fullest with raw edges and bumpy roads too. In the end, it’s what your personal definition of perfection means. And that’s what really counts.

Is it just me or do we all initially crave for that satisfaction of a perfect wedding, perfect birthday, perfect home or just a perfect evening ? 

**Linking with Day 6 of the #BarAThon Challenge  from 1st to 7th August 2016**

Yours' truly,

Charged as guilty

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The first time, I lay my eyes on you, I knew we were meant to be together. 

I mean, who wouldn’t love you ? 

The first time I held you, was more challenging and unlike anything else I had done before.

I assured myself saying everybody feels weird the first time. 

As time passed, I took care of you - constantly checking on you, ensuring you aren’t extremely hot or cold, keeping you clean everyday, protecting you from every tiny scratch possible.

There were accidents intermittently but I learnt to take care eventually. 

Oh! How proud I felt to show you off to the entire world. The bright beaming look on my face and the happiness in my heart to say that - “You were mine!”

And then, one day, when I woke up, you were gone. I felt as though a sudden fear had engulfed me in it’s claws. Frantically, I searched for you all around the house. 

Then I wondered - “Did I lose you forever?”

But my fear was short-lived as you re-appeared within seconds.

Nestled in the soft hands of my two and half year-old daughter. 

She looked up at me with an understanding face and innocent eyes. She held you with both her hands carefully, just the way I did, and it showed on her face how much I loved you and cared for you.

Gradually, she walked towards me and looked into my eyes. I kneeled down trying to reject that ugly feeling deep down in my stomach which made me feel sick. As I lowered my head in shame, my eyes welled up. 

Lovingly, she extended her little arms towards me, she said - “Amma, here’s your phone. “

At that moment, it dawned upon me that my relationship with you, needed to change. I felt like a thief who was caught red-handed for a crime but wasn't punished.

I threw away my smartphone and wrapped my arms around my little one. As embarrassed as I was for ignoring quality time with my precious one, she saw how a small gadget had become a big part of me. I needed that wake-up call. I needed her to teach me this lesson.

Don’t stare down at your phone, people. Look up and notice the people standing there waiting to see your face. 

Did you ever have a hard-hitting experience which made you realize that - 

"Life is beautiful" ?

**Linking with Day 4 of the #BarAThon Challenge  from 1st to 7th August 2016**

Yours' truly,

A simpler time

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“Life is short so never hold back, forgive like you have amnesia, believe like a kid, love like crazy, and never regret anything that made you happy.” - Author Unknown.

As I flipped the monthly calendar to the new month, I looked back at the days gone by and realized I was getting old. There are those days, once in a while, when memories spring up in mind and remind me of a simpler time. Before technology took over. Before the world changed forever. Before we over-complicated our lives.

When the mobile phone first made an entrance into our household, as children, we helped our parents learn all about the new gadget. Up until then, every time we needed help with a problem (in school, in academics, in life, you name it) we turned to our parents. They seemed to know it all. Even without the help of Google. Our youngster, fresh minds were bubbling with energy and ready to take on the world. More importantly, we looked forward to adapt to any new challenge.

Fast forward to the present day and I reminisce about those simpler times often and yearn for it. On some days, I feel I am done with the new age traditions and wish someone could invent a time machine for me to go back and relive those memories again.

As we mature into older versions of ourselves, I find many of us don’t wish to over-complicate our lives anymore. Seriously, I don’t. I like having letters in my mailbox which I can read later as opposed to emails. I enjoy in a long walk on a warm evening accompanied by just by a bag and a book instead of a mobile, charger, headphones and a laptop. I realize that our fragile lives are caged temporarily in a man-made bubble which may pop anytime and leave us crippled if we don’t train our brains and heart to live without a mobile.

If I could, I would take away the technology that has tricked us into becoming it’s slave. If only, we would slow down our fast-paced world and take notice of the world around or even better, just look around and for once, be in the moment. 

Nowadays, I enjoy a simple game of ball with my baby girl. I relish a cup of coffee reading a book. I focus intently on what I am cooking so as to absorb the recipe and not just merely follow the online instructions. It’s a way to enjoy what I am doing and also stay in the present moment. 

Do you agree - what’s your ritual when it comes to relaxing our super fast lives?

Also please share, how do you like to detox technologically? 

Do share.

**Linking with Day 3 of the #BarAThon Challenge  from 1st to 7th August 2016**

Yours' truly,

Don't judge me

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You look me in the eye and have me all figured out. 

You feel you know me right from the day I was born.

You form an opinion and think it right to label me such. 

You boast to others of who you think I am and how you think I should be.

You don’t ask me to explain myself and look away when I resist.

You don’t care about my feelings and you will never.

You are a part of my life today and know that you matter to me.

You made me work hard and then pushed me to work harder some more,

You made me change myself,

You made me forget who I actually was before,

But…

I am not what I seem and there is so much of what you don’t know,

I got to know you because I picked you,

I never got to show or tell you what I actually am,

I never got to defend your thoughts about me to others,

I kept quiet even when I was brought down emotionally,

I have been taunted by you and always dread for another instance,

I am a part of your life too and I matter to you as well,

I accepted the change until I chose to detest it openly,

I broke my limits and surged so far ahead I can never look back,

I wonder at myself and question - “Is this really me?”

I believe people come into our lives for a reason. Just as how I believe that everything happens for a reason. However, even though instances may or may not change us as an individual, there are people who bring out that change in us. Here’s to all such people who came into my life, who taught me important life lessons, who showed me how strong one needs to be, who proved that I need to be more compassionate but I should never expect the same and who finally left me as I stood confused for answers. 

Try as much as I can, I can never ignore the pain some of them brought along and even though there are a million reasons to look up on a particularly low day, my mind races back to that one day when I couldn’t say what I wanted to say. Time has definitely healed the pain and I have undoubtedly learnt to push away my hard feelings. They have taught me to keep my head up always in anticipation of a brand new day.

Nobody wants to carry along a grudge in their hearts, but do you ever wonder what if things could have gone better in certain relationships ?

Do share.

**Linking with Day 2 of the #BarAThon Challenge  from 1st to 7th August 2016**

Also linking with #MondayMusings. 

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Yours' truly,

Everyone needs a touch of magic #FridayReflections

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I remember how, during my high school days, I eagerly looked forward to the first day of every new school week. Apart from spending quality time with friends, classroom fun with favorite teachers & subjects, or creative experiments during arts & craft, it also meant the class teacher would decide which student gets to write the ‘Quote of the Week’ on the blackboard. Every evening, I would flip & scour the school diary at home, skimming through the quotes printed on the bottom line of each page, looking for the perfect one to write.

But it wasn't just the thrill of being chosen to write on the blackboard that excited me. At certain times of the long school day, my eyes would drift from the teacher and her written white words to the quote written on one end of the backdrop. It made my mind wander off the teacher & stop focussing. As the words glistened on the blackboard, my mind silently read - ‘Honesty is the best policy’, ‘Silence is golden’, ‘Live and let live’ and what not. A stream of thoughts thus initiated as I struggled to make sense of it’s underlying relevance to life. Sure, it wasn’t difficult to understand the meaning. However, it still managed to keep me baffled about its importance in my life or anyone else’s.

One particular week, when my turn finally came up to do the honors, I went ahead promptly and wrote on the blackboard - 'Forgive and forget'. It took me under half a minute to write the words on the board that day. And, it’s taken me over 2 decades & countless experiences to unearth it’s true significance. To this day, I still question the quote - ‘Unpleasant emotional experiences can scar us for life. Even if we are able to forgive a thing of the past or a person or an experience, do we or more importantly, ‘can’ we ever really forget ?’

There have been instances where I have been answered back at, where people have - unknowingly or on purpose - hurt me and never repented their actions, times when everything seemed to fall apart in my mind, when I felt helpless and yet nothing I did helped me. During such times, the aforementioned quote always stood out in memory and made me ponder - Is this achievable in real life? 

We always share our deepest secrets, struggles & worries with our close friends and / or family members. Likewise I have had my close ones share their struggles with me. 

If I ever happen to have a magical touch, which can make impossible things happen, I would wave my magic wand instantly and... 

- help such a person get over the emotional hurdle / situation that he / she is facing and get rid of whatever it is that was bothering them in the first place. 

- get them to meet a close friend or family member who wholeheartedly supports them in contrast to people who have let them down. By doing so, I believe they would regain lost strength.

- help release any grudges or negative thoughts. I am sure once the negativity is taken care of, it would also naturally facilitate in forgetting the past and in particular, what has happened. 

- stop the person from overthinking, losing mental strength and from losing trust.

Long after such a chapter is closed, it still reels in some of our minds and ensures we place our next step with a careful deal of caution. And no matter how strong a person is, when such experiences take place, even an optimist can skip the silver lining.

Don't you think the world would be a much better place to live in, if everyone could just whiz past the bad experiences and start afresh at the whisk of a wand and a hint of magic ? 

Easier said than done. If only there was an straightforward way to achieve this. Being grateful, reading positive thoughts, and meeting positive people also helps but everyone needs just a tad bit of magic in their lives, at some point or another.

Tell me, what are your thoughts about learning life's lessons in a hard way ? 

Do you really forgive & forget ?

Yours' truly,

Aim for the sky always... #FridayReflections

It’s funny how the possibility of a new venture or the opportunity to step out of our comfort zone, sends us into a frenzy. The simplest doubt crops up in our minds and we get bogged down with the same old predictable questions. 

Will I succeed ? Will I make it to my destination without getting disappointed ? What if things don't go as planned ? 

What if I fail ?

Even before we get a feel of the journey, let alone success, we fear the worst and finally step back. For once why can't we relax our minds, stop brainstorming on the possible negative outcomes of a situation, and focus on our aspirations ? And it doesn't even have to be revolving our work related apprehensions alone. Even in relationships we find ourselves confused with the same worries.

I am no different from the others when it comes to fearing about failure. But I also know what I would attempt to do if I was guaranteed never to fail.

1. Be more friendly

Thanks to life experiences, when it comes to friendships or building new relationships, there always a realm of caution in my mind. Because let’s face it. People let us down. Sometimes it’s the people who matter the most to us, on the other occasions it’s the unexpected ones who turn out to be the smarter lot. 

If I knew I wouldn't get hurt or be let down by others in return, I could get to be myself. I wouldn't have to worry about others hating me or turning me down.

2. Be more courageous

So that I could take more risks. To dream bigger. To perform difficult feats like sky-diving. Or bungee-jumping. Take every day as it comes. Literally.

3. Be more imaginative

Many a times, our lives are controlled by our own shortcomings. Financial support, incomplete or inadequate education, mortgages on everything in life - home, a world tour, even basic living expenses.

If only, I could erase all my worries by a single stroke of a wand to actually imagine my life devoid of any limitations. To perceive the life that I want, that I wish to live. If only…

But what we truly need to acknowledge here is that failure isn't bad. Maybe it’s the best way for the Universe to tell us that it was not meant to be the first time. That something larger is in store with better results. That we needed to fail in order to emerge victorious the next time.

That life is all about “second chances”. That, no matter how hard you fall down this time, you always aim for the sky :)

Tell me, what would your aspirations or goals be if you knew that you could never fail ? 

A reality check of "ambitions"

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Ten years ago... around this time of the year, I was happy and relaxed. Because I was on vacation in the Middle East with my family having just completed my final year of college and was eagerly awaiting (or not!) for my results to see if I had become a graduate successfully. 

I also had 2 coveted job offers in hand (as part of the on-campus recruitments) but that didn’t change my outlook in any way. Stressed as I could be, I just hoped I had cleared the exams with decent marks if not with any flying colors. But everything ended well then as I cleared the exams with the highest marks and started work thereafter in a reputed organization. If you had asked me back then what my ambitions in life were - I would have given you a textbook answer. Because I knew what I wanted. A lifetime of good pay scales, financial independence, comforts of life and what have you.

Fast forward... by 5 years to a point in life, and I was married, still working and enjoying some of the above said life comforts. LP and I had just purchased our home together and life was looking good professionally and personally. A year later we landed in the US with even bigger aspirations and dreams.

I still wanted to continue work, watch my wage increase to a bigger pay, travel a lot and explore new places. Excellent feedback at work meant good news to me and I wished to things to remain and continue just like they were. But that’s when life started falling apart. 

As long as both LP and I worked in India, it meant being at the same office or at least same city and returning home at the end of the day to spend time with each other. After the first year in the US, both hubby and I were posted at different cities and suddenly we ended up like 2 different individuals who had 2 apartments to rent, 2 sets of groceries to buy, 2 sets of bills to pay and incurred an additional airline cost in order to meet each other every few weeks.

This went on for close to 10 months. If someone had asked about my ambitions back then, only one answer would have come to my mind - emotional happiness. Because I wasn’t happy. I would constantly find myself depressed over the fact that nothing in life felt good. Even the fat pay check I was getting seemed inadequate. Coordinating our vacations again meant a lot of stress. 

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Cut to 2013... and we decided to snap out of the still-persistent grind. When I sat down to rethink my options at work, the only one that would spring to mind was to quit my still-going-strong first job. That way I wouldn't have to stay away from LP in a different city or pay a second set of unnecessary bills. Add to the situation that we were expecting Baby Girl too and that kind of demanded taking things into our hand.

So yes, my ambitions changed yet again  but not because I made them change but because my life priorities changed. If I had still continued work as per the conditions and restrictions that it imposed on our lives back then, both of us wouldn't have been happy. Or healthy.

Today I am back at work in a totally different profession, earning less (for the moment) than what I used to make earlier. But I am happy. Satisfied. Content that I can juggle multiple things. I can physically be there for my toddler, manage my home and still work without going crazy at the end of the day. With the earlier job this wouldn't have been possible.

Having said all this, would I return to a job, in future, with prospects just like the earlier one ? Why not. If everything fits the bill then it definitely will be on the cards again.

But until then, life is good. :)

What would you do if suddenly, one day, you realize your ambitions have changed? 

**This post is part of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.**

Quitting right now! #AtoZChallenge

Yes I am quitting! Enough is enough. There is no looking back after this. 

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1. I quit junk food...

Although I have cut back on a “lot” of stuff that I previously ate as a kid or as a teenager, the lifestyle changes I made in the last 5 years have been a revelation. No soda or any other aerated drinks, no deep-fried snacks, no heavy/large meals (hello salads! :D), no white sugar (gradually moving to no sugar at all) and no processed foods (all frozen, ready-to-eat and what not!).

2. I quit being judgmental...

I accept it - I have been judgmental in the past. Haven't we all at some point or another ? It hurts both ways - being judged as well as realizing my incorrect judgement of someone else. Everyone has life struggles - some that we see and some that we don’t. It’s the ones that we don’t see that make us jump to conclusions, form an opinion and finally pass a judgement. Well, not anymore.

3. I quit procrastinating...

Even though I am on schedule with most of my goals, there always seems to be one tiny thing that lurks from the corner watching me at all times. Why ? Because it’s something I have been putting off forever. It isn't necessarily something that makes me uncomfortable and yet there it is always in the background wanting to jump forth and catch my attention. It’s time to grab all those little things that have been on my mind which need closure.

4. I quit being around people who make me unhappy...

Yes. I run away from such people even when life throws them again right back at my face. Because second chances exist for those who attempt to make a change. For the ones who revel in my misery, I strongly believe in the saying - “Once bitten twice shy”. So the next time I meet such a person - “Do we know each other?” :p

5. I quit worrying myself to death...

Easier said than done, but has to go on this list. Why do I need to worry myself over things that aren't concerned to me? Or about matters out of my control? Or about people who don’t deserve my attention? I’d rather choose to adore and treasure the love that envelopes me. I’d rather choose to appreciate what I have. I’d rather spend time feeling grateful about all that life has given me. Period.

If you could quit 5 things from your life right now, what would they be ? 

**This post is part of the A to Z April Challenge and the Ultimate Blog Challenge.**

**My theme for the A-Z April Challenge is "26 Days of Eloquent Writing".**

I am 'WOMAN' #MakeItHappen #womensday #womenslives

I have a big family on my paternal side. My dad has 4 brothers, 2 sisters and a lot of cousins.

While both of my aunts have sons, there's a coincidental pattern visible with almost all the brothers in the family. Three of the brothers (including my dad) have an elder daughter and then a son.

When my youngest uncle and his wife were expecting their second born, I had a funny notion that it would turn out to be a girl. And it did. :) When I happily announced it to my parents on how I always felt that they would have a girl, my mom smiled and said - "That's such a sweet thing. If only some other people would think so. Don't share this with your uncle and his family, sweety. Apparently, they were expecting a 'boy'. "

I didn't understand the real issue back then.

Years later, when I started working and became a financially independent adult in my family, a relative complimented my parents on how lucky they were to have not one but 2 sons. 

I beamed with pride at the comment. I felt proud and happy at myself. I felt ecstatic on being able to help my parents financially and being applauded for it. 

Today, when I think of that comment my relative made, I feel "disgusted" and "insulted".

Recently, a much-hyped and talked about documentary, portraying a rape incident of 2012, was released and aired all over the world except in India. I watched how some men, belonging to our country, conveyed opinions of how women need to "behave" in society. 

After seeing the documentary, I cried and ached not only for the rape victim but also for the numerous other girls and women who have been similar victims and still continue to be.

I felt anger and anguish on how these men shared such bold views on television with no remorse whatsoever. I even watched a couple of these men debate in a news programme thereafter to justify why they said those controversial statements and how all those statements are true even today. While the documentary just gave us a peek of the real issue there are hundred others who would gladly agree and share similar patriarchal views.

As a woman, all I want to say today is - I don't need a male counterpart to benchmark my achievements of life. I don't want any appreciations in comparison to how a male would do it.

I am a woman,

I am happy the way I do things, 

The way it is meant for me. 

My life is my own 

And not for others to judge. 

And least of all, it's definitely not for those who think a woman, who achieves bigger milestones in life, has magically acquired powers meant only for men and is therefore great.

Maybe that's the reason ever since I was a child, barely old enough to understand society and it's weird norms, I have wished and wanted to have a girl child of my own.

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It's time we abolished all age old quotes praising males over females.

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It's time we changed our primitive thinking to not always want a male child.

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It's time we cherished our daughters for all their achievements and sacrifices in life.

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Going forward, if a person ever judges a woman on why she can never be equal to a man, we just need to commend the person for having said the truth.

"Yes, a woman is never equal to a man because she is so much more than what a man is or will ever be. There is nothing a woman can't do that a man can and yet there is so much a man can't do that a woman can."

Yours' truly,

A Reason to Celebrate...

Selected as a WOW post here !

Dear Diary,

The walk from work has been a mundane routine for me for the past many years. However, I trudged along the road cautiously today hoping to be able to predict where they would spring out from. Especially since Holi is just around the corner.

I noticed it was just another day, when I saw this little boy walking home from the bus stop dressed as a school kid. Or so I assumed. A group of teenage boys walked towards him from the other end carrying a heavy pail of water balloons. As they approached closer, two things were clear - the boy was panicking and the teenagers had a mission in mind. Just as he lowered his head and walked faster, hoping to ignore and walk past them, the balloons came pelting down one after the other, both drenching and hurting him at the same time. He ran home crying. 

A few houses down the line, I saw this teenage girl playing Holi with her little brother in the courtyard of her home. A group of men appeared out of thin air at the gates with excessively colored faces and hands. Still standing at the gates, they aimed the trash at the kids until they screamed and called out their mother. The horrified mother came to their rescue and mouthed quite an earful to the goons but they somehow thought it was humorous to aim yet another egg at the girl during the exchange of words. 

I observed these incidents as a passerby but the one thought that kept resonating back was how Holi - the festival of colors also meant showing a basic level of respect and civic sense towards all age groups.

A life full of colors is what everyone desires on Holi. 

And yet somehow, every year I witness the same rampant behavior of mature individuals ruining the fun for the vast majority. 

Lack of respect and civic sense turned a festive time into life-long nightmares for others.

Isn't Holi meant to be the same for everyone ? Isn't Holi a symbolization of togetherness and love for friends and family alike ? 

Then why does it instill this fear in me and the others ? Why does it bring along an unexplainable feeling of discomfort hoping for the festival to end soon and quickly ?  

Why do such disturbing events happen every year ? 

Yours' truly,

**** This post is a creative take of true incidents witnessed and experienced by a close friend.****

****This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.****